Like in a fairy tale!

After my wife has the whole Lord of the Rings forced bullshit in the past few years, I am of course equipped with all the gadgets fan. Only my hobbit sword I could not find, instead, I took my Darth Vader Lightsaber, a decent alternative.

Unfortunately, the arrival was a disaster despite a fresh map updates of Middle-earth. The Navi wanted pilotage through the Mines of Moria me necessarily because the pass through the avalanche Karadras allegedly contaminated. In July whosoever believes, is Seelig.

Shortly after Weathertop then the shock: The earth-mound is located in the district of Hildburghausen (Thuringia) OK, that should have made me suspicious. Who expects a Shire here is confronted in reality with a panorama in Mordor-style. A very thick, old troll with pear head had the go which dovetailed me Pfälzerisch of blossoming landscapes - instead, I had to walk over dirty wastes of full lignite mines, except for a few mutant wolves and skinheads with nasty dialect was seen no pig. Was perhaps just as well.

When it occurred but appeared numerous short guessed shapes stock lazy and hairy feet, constantly a tankard of beer or the stinking pipe in his face, knowing we're there. Full of joy I parked our donkey cart in the driveway of the resort. A greasy guy with fat hairstyle and bulge in his pants shuffled toward us and introduced himself: Dildo Baggins at your service, looking at with nasty grin high on my wife.

Our luggage did not dragged Dildo course. Instead, he placed a neat case in the entrance hall of our lair. The weekend menu is the way Passed at Danger ferrets with chili-onion casserole on beans and leeks occurred in it. Dildos spicy cloud took me to almost - spontaneously I had handed over to him what him but not made more attractive.

After a brief tour of our country was then easy to see why other than a few wiseacres Neanderthals and a dopey English Märchenonkel nobody gets the idea, cool to find inhabiting a cave: Musty, dark and winding were the positive qualities of this mud hole.

I: Dildo, where is the toilet?
Dildo: Do ​​you see the great bowl of the rotten fruits there on the table?
I: You do not want to say about?
Dildo comforting: If you eat them one Dus not manage anyway at the door before you explode the gut!
I But that's DINNERWARE!
Dildo mutters sullenly: Pampered Pack and tourists traipsing them.

As the schmaltzy bag finally verdufte and I was going to rid the bed of shaved hair bag one apparently held recently Orc orgy, I noticed a small, inconspicuous ring. Ätsch dildo would you have done decently clean'd better I still thought

Of course, my wife spotted the ring once these women! But what can I say, as soon as she had the thing slipped over the finger, she was already gone. Class, I thought, might still be a relaxing weekend.

The problems started now in earnest. As smelly, schwarzvermummte cowl carrier with tight lances and clear intentions shuffled to the cave dwelling, I still gave me no head. Finally, I know something more from my time as an altar boy in the Catholic Church to Sankt Blasien.

But then appeared a hunchback, barely a foot tall bald man with crooked mouth and to fish on müffelnd. He wanted the ring, babbling something about "redistribution" and "nationalize". I had actually intended to show that night a few sharp Elbe Schittenkopf where I am everywhere Ringbearer, instead I now had this creature by the neck, who introduced herself as the infamous Gysi.

The Gysi followed me from now through the whole system. That was embarrassing. Above all, it embarrassed me in front of the other guests. Gandalf, a muddled pensioners with Idiotenhut looked it permanently under her skirt. Balin, the leader of a dwarf moped-course provoked by zusammenknotete whose sack and whiskers and so on and so forth.

And so it happened that Sauron, the manager of the plant, after a very short time his eyes focused on me. Sauron was actually a nice and understanding type, who had managed to win attractive staff for the resort and create a warm atmosphere. He told me with a sonorous voice the relationships: The Gysi Goes, since him, has an aging Wagenknecht snapped in his face, an old crony who is incidentally pointed like Oskar and now pimpert in his place. A leftmost number.

Uh well, I answered, I wuscht yes, but how do I get me the Lustgnom again from the neck?
You see Mount Doom back there? asked Sauron and directed my views of Monte Kali (also called Kalimandscharo), a potash mining dump, the 200 meters high harmoniously integrated into the thüringerische wasteland.
Oh Noo, I have the Gysi now high wear, or what? I grumbled.

The solution was much simpler. I put the Gysi just before the mountain, timbered him from a stupid standing around in the area Treeant named Treebeard still draufstellen a fruit crate for so he seemed at least as Einmeterdreissig and let him keep a boring, narcissistic speech, which is probably not finished today ,

Since I so slowly fully had enough, I decided to do what any of us would actually like to do with all the crap Hobbit: flattening. Sauron I pulled the plug, I can not from types that are available on rings, nunmal. Then it was time to leave the circle brought lightsaber. That red and not blue lights may be forgiven me.

In the whole mess succeeded dildo blow with my still invisible woman. She calls him now apparently my Schatzi. The perverse swine! His trail of slime I have followed to the Fangorn Forest, next was not enough my motivation. As was also the thick Troll desecrated with pear head in the meantime, my ass, I decided to escape the threat of arrest or a not unusual in this area Mauerbau by flight and booked spontaneously a first class ticket on one of the last expiring same brothel steamer.

With the I drive now, while I write these lines, again westward, back to my familiar shores

A real happy ending, and hence 5 stars!